Social Anxiety

Imagine you felt like you had a booger hanging out of your nose and everyone around you keeps on looking at you and judging you on how gross you are. Imagine having this feeling all the time. When you walk down the hallways, when you sit in class, when you drive your car, when you eat at a restaurant...

Lucky for me, there has been only one period in my life when I felt awkward all the time. I just moved from a small town where I was constantly the center of attention and knew everyone. I was thirteen years old and started new at a posh suburbian middle school. My hair was tied tight in a bun every day because I hated how frizzy it was when it was down. I wore clothes that didn't allow me to stand out, I walked with my head down, and it took me a year to make a good group of friends. I knew I wasn't being myself. I hated being looked at as I constantly worried about being made fun of. I envied the girls who were at ease with themselves and considered myself a loser.

I had the opportunity to move once again two years after this awkward phase of my life. I was a sophomore in high school at this point and was deathly afraid of being the same person I had been before. I made sure to change by forcing myself to make conversation with everyone I knew. It was so hard at first to put myself out there but once it was done I felt so good. I have become a master at this "not caring" attitude as I talk to anyone and everyone now. I still feel that extreme uncomfort sometimes in interviews or I feel it creep up on me when many people are staring, but I shrug things off.

This entry was sparked by this sweet guy in my class who is extremely soft-spoken. He is extremely intelligent and has every reason to be confidence yet he cannot stand the lime-light. Unfortunately, our class is discussion based and he is constantly forced to go outside of his comfort zone. I can almost hear his heart beat and see his hands shake even when he walks in the room. This anxiety makes me so sad because I can relate. I just want to take him in my wings and tell him everyone loves him but unfortuately life doesn't work this way. It is all about pushing yourself, no matter how hard it may be. The other alternative is dealing with it. Not everyone is a natural.

Emotional Intelligence

Today during my job interview with a high level executive at the company I was asked, "people skills or technological skills?" I responded, "people skills." He said, "I agree." I asked him if he ever read the book "Emotional Intelligence." He said, "that sums it up".

This was our conversation. We connected perfectly and barely used any words. Everything in my life is pointing to the importance of people skills and managing others (most of the jobs I'm interviewing for are for management positions). I'm not going to lie, I'm a good leader. I know how to manage others. It is simply manipulation (of course I believe in good manipulation instead of letting power get to one's head). Despite my skills of motivating others, I can't seem to grasp how to manipulate my own feelings to my advantage.

I'm definitely a creature of my emotions. My surroundings and level of stress affect my mood tremendously. My method of coping is laughing things off and making a fool of myself. Listening to extreme rap music also allows me to forget the pains of life. Unfortunately, once that emo music comes on at a restaurant, there is not much I can do.

I wish writing this entry would give me an answer to my problems. It seems to be pointing out to myself that I must delve deep into my feelings by meditating in a forest and face my issues instead of covering them up. I might as well do it since I'm not even sufficient at numbing myself. I'll let you guys know how this journey pans out. Or if I even attempt it.