Social Anxiety

Imagine you felt like you had a booger hanging out of your nose and everyone around you keeps on looking at you and judging you on how gross you are. Imagine having this feeling all the time. When you walk down the hallways, when you sit in class, when you drive your car, when you eat at a restaurant...

Lucky for me, there has been only one period in my life when I felt awkward all the time. I just moved from a small town where I was constantly the center of attention and knew everyone. I was thirteen years old and started new at a posh suburbian middle school. My hair was tied tight in a bun every day because I hated how frizzy it was when it was down. I wore clothes that didn't allow me to stand out, I walked with my head down, and it took me a year to make a good group of friends. I knew I wasn't being myself. I hated being looked at as I constantly worried about being made fun of. I envied the girls who were at ease with themselves and considered myself a loser.

I had the opportunity to move once again two years after this awkward phase of my life. I was a sophomore in high school at this point and was deathly afraid of being the same person I had been before. I made sure to change by forcing myself to make conversation with everyone I knew. It was so hard at first to put myself out there but once it was done I felt so good. I have become a master at this "not caring" attitude as I talk to anyone and everyone now. I still feel that extreme uncomfort sometimes in interviews or I feel it creep up on me when many people are staring, but I shrug things off.

This entry was sparked by this sweet guy in my class who is extremely soft-spoken. He is extremely intelligent and has every reason to be confidence yet he cannot stand the lime-light. Unfortunately, our class is discussion based and he is constantly forced to go outside of his comfort zone. I can almost hear his heart beat and see his hands shake even when he walks in the room. This anxiety makes me so sad because I can relate. I just want to take him in my wings and tell him everyone loves him but unfortuately life doesn't work this way. It is all about pushing yourself, no matter how hard it may be. The other alternative is dealing with it. Not everyone is a natural.

Emotional Intelligence

Today during my job interview with a high level executive at the company I was asked, "people skills or technological skills?" I responded, "people skills." He said, "I agree." I asked him if he ever read the book "Emotional Intelligence." He said, "that sums it up".

This was our conversation. We connected perfectly and barely used any words. Everything in my life is pointing to the importance of people skills and managing others (most of the jobs I'm interviewing for are for management positions). I'm not going to lie, I'm a good leader. I know how to manage others. It is simply manipulation (of course I believe in good manipulation instead of letting power get to one's head). Despite my skills of motivating others, I can't seem to grasp how to manipulate my own feelings to my advantage.

I'm definitely a creature of my emotions. My surroundings and level of stress affect my mood tremendously. My method of coping is laughing things off and making a fool of myself. Listening to extreme rap music also allows me to forget the pains of life. Unfortunately, once that emo music comes on at a restaurant, there is not much I can do.

I wish writing this entry would give me an answer to my problems. It seems to be pointing out to myself that I must delve deep into my feelings by meditating in a forest and face my issues instead of covering them up. I might as well do it since I'm not even sufficient at numbing myself. I'll let you guys know how this journey pans out. Or if I even attempt it.

Rage

I consider myself a person who has not yet fully learned the art of managing my emotions, but I am substantial enough at it to motivate myself and avoid mental breakdowns (for the most part). It was not always this way, as in high school I snapped my boyfriend's phone in half and made a girl cry during lunch break. Granted these two incidents may seem horrific, but you should know the girl was extremely sensitive and knew she had not been doing her duty on as VP of our executive board despite many requests from myself and others. And on the matter of the phone, there is nothing I can say to get myself out of that one. Anyway, it is safe to say I handle my rage much better now after coming to college and enduring a plethora of annoyance from a variety of sources.

You may wonder how I cope with annoying things and people. I have one word for you: headphones. I have an application on my ipod that is called the "Sleep Machine" that I use when I nap during the day as our walls do not exactly block out conversations or chairs screeching across the kitchen floor. I also listen to my ipod when doing work in noisy places. Unfortunately, today I forgot to bring the white instrument sent straight from heaven to the library. This simple mistake is what sparked this entire blog entry. Rage.

A few moments ago, there were two females who chose to sit right next to my table during which they failed recognized I was doing work. They both had smoothies in their hands but instead of slurping these smoothies up with a straw (which is only slightly annoying), they proceeded to drink their smoothies like soup. They took their sweet time in sucking every morsel of crushed fruit/yogurt from spoons. On top of this, they were speaking at the top of their lungs about how boys screw them over constantly. Perfect conversation for a typical day at the library. The final straw was that they spoke slower than Beavis and Butthead. I heard one of the girls say, "If I can't finish my homework I won't be able to go to the hockey game" in the time it would take a baby to finish a jar of baby food. I really think they were on drugs.

This entire time I was debating weather I should move my laptop and books or not. Unfortunately, my anger of having to move because of them got to me and I was determined to sit in place. At one point I was so angry, that I was pounding my fingers into the keyboard. I began to breathe heavy and probably looked like I was having a seizure. My heart starting racing rapidly and I realized how creative I am as a person as the obscenities running through my head were those you probably have never thought of in your entire life.

It got to the point where I realized I was mentally unstable. I have rage issues at random moments and they are triggered by the smallest things. I must learn how to not depend on technology and face reality. I hope recognizing my problem is the first step to improvement, but then again how many alcoholics who recognize they need to stop drinking actually avoid popping a beer open for breakfast?